When it comes to flirting, guys need all the help we can get. It’s not easy to flirt with a girl, but after years of flirting experience and successes, it was possible to nail down the 100 best, sure-fire, guaranteed ways to flirt with the ladies. If you’re a guy
looking for love, or just a girl who wants to send her guy friends some helpful advice, here are the 100 greatest ways to flirt with girls. 100. Girls love accents, and they also love babies. So give yourself a baby accent. “Me want juice-juice! You pretty! Me like choo-train! Thems fast!” 99. Girls also love bad boys, and puppies. A neck tattoo of a puppy will melt her heart. 98. Blow her a kiss...off your bicep. 97. Hugs are too romantic for flirting and handshakes are too casual. Tap her on the head instead. 96. If she smiles, smile back, but with your mouth open and tongue slightly protruding. This is called French Smiling. 95. Use technology to incept her dreams and alter her feelings. 94. Show her that you’re good at kissing by slowly eating a pear. Then point to her mouth, then back to the pear, then to her mouth again. This will help her understand what’s happening. She'll get it. Eventually. 93. Laughing is a the key to flirting. Tell her something funny, such as a joke, or better yet, explain a meme to her. If she doesn’t laugh at your explanation, explain it harder. “So, it’s like a picture of Willy Wonka, right? And then the text is like sorta mean but polite and sarcastic. It’s funny! Why aren’t you laughing?” 92. Impress her with your vocabulary by keeping a list of all the words you know and then showing her the list. 91. Girls love it when you show off, so end every action with a hearty, “Tah-dah!” (A wave of your cape doesn’t hurt, either.) 90. Brag about famous people your family members once met. 89. Be there to catch her if she falls. And make sure she falls by setting Home Alone-inspired traps throughout school. 88. Never, ever speak to her. If you speak to her, she may not like you. It’s best to remain quiet and hide your feelings forever. Don't let her see you, either. She should never know you exist. 87. Wear hilarious pants. 86. Talk as fast as you can, even to the point of muttering gibberish. Flirting is scary so you want it to be finished as quickly as possible 85. Tell her you once met Josh Hartnett. This will impress her and the lie is difficult to debunk. Even if she later meets Josh and asks to verify your claim, Josh will probably just say, “I don’t know. I meet lots of people.” It’s the perfect crime. 84. Win an Olympic medal. 83. Complain about how hard your life is. Girls love to hear about that stuff. 82. Give her the flu. Your germs will then be a part of her body. It's like a bacteria/virus baby. Aww! How sweet! Shakespeare himself couldn’t write such a romance! 81. If there’s a lull in the conversation, yell, “Check this out!” Then do some pushups or flips. 80. If the two of you are in the same elevator, look at your phone for a few minutes and then make some sort of weird noise that’s almost a word, such as, “Erf’ or “Flagguhm.” Trust your anxiety! It knows what to do. 79. Get a wicked bruise on your thigh and then ask if she wants to see it. (To give yourself a bruise, tickle a snoozing bear.) 78. Deodorant and body spray for men are often too harsh. Women respond well to pleasant, fresh scents. Use scented Yankee candles as deodorant! You’ll have to really mash the scented candle into your pits to make it rub off. (The scent “Home for the Holidays” works surprisingly well.) 77. Show you’re a true friend by lifting your shirt to reveal that you’re NOT wearing a wire. 76. Find common ground. Ask her what shows she likes, what music she listens to, and which of your toes is the sassiest. 75. Write her name in a notebook 1,500 times, bury the notebook under a sycamore tree, wait for the tree roots to work their magic. 74. Act like a real ass with your friends. 73. Other guys have complimented her eyes and smile a thousand times. Be unique by complimenting her spine and neck fuzz. 72. Run as fast as you can and then yell, “Did you see that?!” She will be awed with your speed and confidence. 71. Make fun of her interests and culture until she falls in love with you. This may take several weeks or years. 70. Explain in detail what happened during Breaking Bad’s first four seasons. If she seems bored, it’s only because she’s daydreaming about your wedding. 69. Blow her a kiss...off your knee. 68. Give her a cute nickname like “Freckles” or “Butt Garden.” 67. Send her an anonymous love note. If you’re worried that she won’t read it, send her an anonymous whisper. Whispers are harder to ignore than notes. 66. If she drops her book, pick it up. If she doesn’t drop her book, knock it out of her hand with a well aimed rock. Then swoop in for the flirt! 65. Lift a car above your head. 64. Wink at her not with your eye, but with your nostril. 63. Give her a single rose. Girls love flowers. Make sure the flower lives forever by using electricity and spells. 62. Most girls love animals, but giving her a pet dog, cat, or even a hamster is a tad much. Give her a live pet that’s easy to care for, like yogurt cultures. 63. Help her paint her nails and teeth. 62. If she’s cold, offer her your jacket and slacks. 61. If she’s warm, spit on the back of her neck. As the saliva evaporates, it cools the skin. 60. Make fun of people who are different. You will seem strong and important and all the girls will love you and your hilarious words. 59. Make a fake Facebook account using a photo of a super hot girl, and then make that super hot girl write lovey-dovey comments on your real Facebook wall. This will inspire jealousy in your crush and soon she will have to love you! Spend many hours doing this. Always worth it. 58. Show her your Gangnam Style dance and tattoo. 57. When talking with her, interrupt often and loudly so she knows that your ideas are important and good. 56. Compliment her hair color, hair odor, and hair flavor. 55. Subtlety is key! Do not say, “Want to see my naked bits?” That’s too blunt. Instead, add some mystery by asking, “Nude things?” Such a statement is open to much interpretation. 54. If your crush is already in a relationship, show her that you’re the better man by starting awful, awful rumors about her current boyfriend. Then frame him for a serious crime. 53. You can win the heart of any girl by finding a real unicorn. (Hint: Just make one using horse DNA, rhinoceros DNA, and evil.) 52. Build her a house. 51. Keep offering her piggyback rides. She’ll give in one of these days. In the meantime, keep practicing at home. 50. Brag about all of your impressive bathroom statistics. 49. Just start swing dancing with her. 48. Handcuff yourself to her and swallow the key. At first she’ll hate you, but soon she’ll realize true love was right in front of her face this whole time. Aww! 47. Build a giant book store right next to her small, quaint independent book shop. 46. Pretend you’re dumb so she can tutor you. (Please see item #100 of this list.) 45. Hit her in the head with a snowball or kickball. Cupid's arrow doth sting! 44. Keep a pencil behind your ear, so you look creative. Keep a condom behind your ear so she knows you’re sexy. 43. Look into her eyes. Eye contact is critical! If you have trouble remembering, just recite this poem to yourself: When talking to girls, I must always have grace, And remember that eyes are the boobs of the face. 42. Brag about your eating skills. 41. Words can often confuse the situation, but hand gestures never fail. During a flirty conversation, point to your swimsuit area and nod. No one can misinterpret that. 40. Click the “Like” button on every Facebook status she posts. This is how Ben Affleck wooed Jennifer Garner. 39. Whistle at her. If you don’t know how to whistle, just blow on her as she passes by. 38. If this is a secret, online crush, plan to meet at the top of the Empire State Building—but not the observation deck. I mean the way top of the spire. (You both will need climbing gear.) 37. Write her a song and then sing the song to her voicemail, because voicemail can’t say, “Eww. Stop, please.” 36. Kill any nearby bug to prove your strength and bravery. If no bugs are nearby, you will have to kill a rodent or small cat. Point is: Kill something. 35. Compliment her cough. 34. Send a random text message that can never be deciphered. This will make her stay up all night as she tries to figure out what you mean. Choose from these examples: A. You me? B. Don’t wanna talk about it. C. Hey friendly FRIEND! LOL! LUV?! D. I think you’re great and I’d like to get to know you better. E. Hfnbbeefffeofbuebfoebwou% 33. Drive a ridiculous car. 32. Show you care by asking about her menstrual cycle. 31. When playing a game together, get super-competitive. Cheat if you have to. Just make sure you win and win hard! 30. Brag about your noises. 29. Girls are dying to know your thoughts on professional sports and what needs to be done for a particular team to have a stellar season. Be specific. This matters greatly. 28. Hold the door for her...with your tongue, so she knows you will be a strong kisser. 27. It’s important to never let a girl see you cry. If you feel tears brewing, quickly cover your crush’s eyes with a blindfold or your hand until you compose yourself. 26. Girls seem to really dig Sherlock, so solve murders. 25. Need some topics of conversation? Try any of these: The weather. Current events. Movies. School. What happens when guys have sexy thoughts. Music. 24. If you see a girl at a party, a great opening line is, “You must be tired because you were running through my dreams all night...along with that talking walrus, the floor made of spaghetti, and my dead Pop-Pop.” 23. Jump over everything you possibly can. 22. Brag about your last girlfriend, because your new crush will think: Hey, if his last girlfriend was so hot and good, and he’s now flirting with me, that means I’m just as hot and good. It never backfires. 21. Sharing food can be fun and romantic. Order a bowl of soup with two straws! 20. Make a girl feel special by dutch braiding her hair while she’s sleeping. 19. Make fun of Adele, Taylor Swift, Jennifer Lawrence, and the Little Mermaid. Because those loony chicks need to be taken down a few pegs. Also, convince her that Kanye West is actually a pretty good guy. He's not arrogant; he's real, y'all! Recognize! 18. If there’s a puddle, lay your jacket down so your crush won’t get wet. If you don’t have a jacket, suck up the puddle water, let the lady cross, then spit the water out. 17. Curse. 16. Show her you're interested in everything she says by writing down everything she says. (On your arm.) 15. Change your last name so that the two of you will forever be next to each other in the yearbook. 14. Ride a gallant horse. And name the horse “The Doctor.” 13. If she says something funny, laugh. If she says something sad, laugh less. 12. Hack into her email account and see what’s up. 11. Tell her she has a lovely singing voice. If she asks how you know what her singing voice sounds like, say nothing of the microphone you hid in her bathroom. 10. Rub her feet...until she wakes up. Then run. 9. Correct her grammar, spelling, and pronunciation with great fervor. 8. Get a dog and lose it. Hang up flyers and ask your crush to help you find the dog. She will help, even if you’re ugly. 7. Change her mind about politics by using the full volume of your voice. 6. Show her pictures of you when you were a baby. Then say, “Go ahead and keep them. I have copies.” 5. Show off your video game skills. 4. As you bow, remember to remove your hat, but also squint hard enough so that your monocle doesn’t fall out. 3. A corsage on the day of prom is expected. A corsage on Thanksgiving morning is special. 2. Share the same textbook during class, but slowly and seductively lick your fingers before turning each page. (Use only your pinky for added effect.) 1. Become cold and distant. Don’t talk to her. And if she talks to you, act aloof and somewhat mean. Never smile. Never laugh. Pretend your life is extremely complicated and difficult. Wear a lot of dark colors. Be moody. Answer every question with a vague, “It’s just this place, you know? It’s like...I don’t know.” You will win the heart of every girl in the entire world. Add a British accent and you will be made King of Women.
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